Julia (the_mehitabel) wrote,

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cold feet or....?

I'm still freaking out. And it's hard to tell whether this is normal or not. I always freak out about change and get cold feet before starting something new...so part of me is thinking that once I get there things will be fine. I always do this. However...part of me wonders if this is a symptom of something deeper. Maybe this is not what I want to do. Maybe this is a huge mistake. I've had doubts about this from the beginning (which is why I deferred last year in the first place), so maybe this latest bout of anxiety is trying to tell me this is not right for me. I don't know. What the hellllll. I wish my parents were here. They don't get home until the day before I leave, and while I was originally thrilled that they'd be away while I was packing so that I could organized at my own pace, it would really help to have people around right now. I'm all alone in the house (my nutjob of a cat doesn't count) and I have all this time to question my decision and panic about everything. And I still haven't sorted through my crap or started packing. I can't. I just can't even think about it. I sit around reading, watching TV or wasting time on the internet. And then I get scared and sad and overwhelmed. I'm just so confused. And as much as my friends are trying to help, it's not really working. I don't know what I need. I wish I didn't do this to myself all the time. Fuck.
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