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|Sunday, September 13th, 2009|
Can it be possible that I haven't updated this in almost two years? I'm feeling the urge to re-enter the world of livejournal. I think it might be therapeutic. More later.
|Thursday, January 31st, 2008|
|new year, fresh start
So, it's the last day of 2007 and I thought it would be an appropriate time to return to the land of livejournal. I can't emphasize how happy I am that this year is over. Overall, it's been a pretty shitty year. While the beginning wasn't too bad--I actually had a lot of fun, come to think of it--the summer was tedious and rather depressing and the last four months were far too drama-filled for my liking. They were confusing, frustrating, and extremely self-destructive. Although starting a new program was exciting, and I've met a few great new people, I also put myself through a lot of unnecessary shit, and it was pretty emotionally damaging. It's my own fault, of course, but I guess I didn't really understand the gravity of what was happening at the time. Hindsight, as they say, is 20/20. Anyway, I'm glad it's over, and I kind of feel like I've come through this crazy time and emerged a completely different person. I guess I've learned alot, and I'm ready to make a fresh start this year. No more bullshit, no more drama. I wish I could erase the last four months from my memory, but at this point all I can do is make a big change and simplify my life. I'm getting my shit together. The last four months have made me feel horrible about myself, and I can't let that go on. New year, new me. As trite as that sounds.
I've been home for three weeks now, and it's been great. Exactly what I needed. I spent the first week writing an ecological economics essay, but once that was done I had two weeks of much-needed R&R. Turned 25, went out with my friends to celebrate, got a massage, went to see the stage version of White Christmas
, went for lots of winter walks, baked cookies, had a nice Christmas with my family, went to the movies several times. But my days have mostly been spent reading, watching DVDs, sewing, going to the gym and lying around doing nothing. I love it. I went to Deeja's today and spent the afternoon with her and Aliyah, and it was great. Aliyah's so much bigger than when I last saw her, and she talks nonstop. It was so much fun to see her. And the new baby is due in a month, so that's pretty exciting as well. Craziness. My break is almost over now...I leave in a week, and I'm realizing I have so much to do before then. I have a lot of people to see and a lot of Christmas money to spend, and I want to spend it here since the shopping is a million times better than in Halifax. My, how times flies. I'll be a little sad for the break to end, but mostly I'm excited to go back. I've had a lot of time to relax and recharge my batteries, and I'm almost
ready to get back into school mode. I've also had a lot of time to reflect, mostly about all the crap that went on last semester, and I guess I've gained perspective on the whole thing. Hence the resolution to get my act together. I guess I've finally come to terms with everything that happened, and although it still makes me sad, I think I'm finally at peace with it. So...bring it on. Bring on 2008. I'm ready for you. Current Mood: hopeful
|Saturday, November 17th, 2007|
|I knew it
Oh my effing god. This needs to stop. Last night was completely ridiculous. I need to stop putting myself in these situations. I am NOT going to any of these organized events ever again. Current Mood: indescribable
|Monday, November 12th, 2007|
|A valium would be nice right about now
I'll write something here after my presentation from hell is over (tomorrow). That is my promise to myself.
Time to meet with my group again to practise practise practise.
Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....! Current Mood: nervous
|Wednesday, November 7th, 2007|
|Yes, I am still alive
Holy shit, I have no idea what happened. How can I have not written here in more than a year? I'm back, and with a vengeance. I have, of course, chosen this week of all weeks to start keeping a journal again. The week when I should be preparing the biggest and most daunting presentation I have ever had to do (thus far). Cleary some procrastination is in order. Current Mood: busy
|Monday, October 23rd, 2006|
|Wednesday, September 13th, 2006|
|Why does nothing ever work out for me?
I always miss Toronto so much this time of year. All you hear about is the film festival, and it makes me want to be there. I feel like I'm missing out...Toronto is where it's at, and I love it. I miss it.
I'm loving Halifax, and I like Dalhousie a lot. I just don't like my program, and my roommates are kind of iffy. So. I don't know what to do. I'm contemplating dropping out, but I have to do that before the 22nd in order to get my money back. But I don't want to be a quitter. I don't really want to leave the life I'm making for myself here...Halifax, the university, my new friends, grad school life. But...I can't stay just because of that. I can't waste thousands of dollars and two years of my life on some program that I have no interest in. ARGH. Current Mood: confused
|Sunday, September 3rd, 2006|
Here goes nothing. Current Mood: terrified
|Friday, August 25th, 2006|
|cold feet or....?
I'm still freaking out. And it's hard to tell whether this is normal or not. I always freak out about change and get cold feet before starting something new...so part of me is thinking that once I get there things will be fine. I always do this. However...part of me wonders if this is a symptom of something deeper. Maybe this is not what I want to do. Maybe this is a huge mistake. I've had doubts about this from the beginning (which is why I deferred last year in the first place), so maybe this latest bout of anxiety is trying to tell me this is not right for me. I don't know. What the hellllll. I wish my parents were here. They don't get home until the day before I leave, and while I was originally thrilled that they'd be away while I was packing so that I could organized at my own pace, it would really help to have people around right now. I'm all alone in the house (my nutjob of a cat doesn't count) and I have all this time to question my decision and panic about everything. And I still haven't sorted through my crap or started packing. I can't. I just can't even think about it. I sit around reading, watching TV or wasting time on the internet. And then I get scared and sad and overwhelmed. I'm just so confused. And as much as my friends are trying to help, it's not really working. I don't know what I need. I wish I didn't do this to myself all the time. Fuck. Current Mood: anxious
|Friday, August 18th, 2006|
|missing the zoo already because i am nuts like that
i am kind of freaking out. my last day of work was today and it has suddenly hit me that in two weeks i'm moving clear across the country to a place i don't know anyone to start a program i basically have no clue about. i'm scared stiff and i know that i always get cold feet and that i can do it...i moved to liverpool and it was wonderful and this will most likely be wonderful as well. but shit, all i thought about all summer was how i couldn't wait to be done with work and moving onto something new and now i'm sad to be leaving. what the hell. it didn't feel real, and now it does. it's happening. for real. it's not just this nice fantasy i can daydream about. i'm so confused and sad and excited and terrified and overwhelmed. Current Mood: scared
|Tuesday, August 1st, 2006|
WHAAT the hell. Goddamn 48 degrees today. FORTY-EIGHT. I cannot even begin to describe what work was like today. I wanted to kill myself. I seriously thought I would pass out on several occasions. Tomorrow is going to be almost as hot, but with thunderstorms...so maybe it won't be as horrendous. Wishful thinking? I dunno. Fuck.
However, I have less than two weeks of work. My last day is the 13th, after which I have three weeks to relax, see my friend, pack, get organized, etc. before leaving for Halifax. Sometimes I wonder whether I should work a bit longer and give myself less time before heading off...and then I live through a day like today. There's no way. I need to get out of there as soon as possibe. And I also need as much time as I can get before school starts. I have too much to do. I'm also physically and mentally exhausted. And my parents are going away for the last two weeks of August, so if I want them to help me with anything (shopping, packing, etc.) I need to do that before they leave. So it makes sense. An extra paycheque would be nice, but not worth the hell I'd have to go through to get it.
Also, I have the upcoming long weekend off! My first weekend off ALL SUMMER, believe it or not. I'm the only person at work who hasn't had a weekend off. I won't get into that. The important thing is that I have this one off. High school friends are talking about a day trip to Wasaga Beach, which could be fun. We shall see. Maybe I can start enjoying my summer now. Current Mood: exhausted
|Sunday, July 9th, 2006|
What the hellllllllll. I left work early and got home in time for the shootout, which was nerve-wracking. I am distraught. I need to watch the whole game now when they rebroadcast it to see about this red card business. Whatever could he have been thinking?
Anyway. Montreal was fantastic. Got in Tuesday night and headed over to Tina's, where we (Tina, Jane, Ariana and I) ate raclette and played Imaginiff. Lots of laughs. Had brunch with Bindi on Wednesday, then cabbed up to Mile End to check out Ari's new apartment, which is really nice. The three of us found a bar in the area to watch the soccer game, which was exciting. I had a flag and everything, and it was craaaazy. Mad celebration on the streets of Montreal. Had dinner at a sushi place and then Tina and I rushed over to Club Soda to catch the Katie Melua/Denzil Sinclaire concert. It was fabulous, although we ended up missing a large portion of Katie Melua's set. I was kind of upset, but whatever. I'm over it. After that we walked around the jazzfest area a bit, which was amazing. I've never been in town for jazzfest, and it is just as incredible as it sounds. Thursday I hung out with Ariana during the day, then went back to Tina's for dinner and a Sex and the City marathon. Then she, Jane and I went to see The Devil Wears Prada
, which was entertaining. Friday I met Lucie and Norah for brunch and shopping before catching the train back to T.O. in the late afternoon. It was really nice to see everyone, especially people I had kind of drifted from over the last year. Lots of catching up. And it was really nice to get away for a few days. But now it's back to reality, and back to work (although I left early again today, which I really have to stop doing. I need money.)
Now I'm going to read (Running with Scissors
by Augusten Burroughs...very funny and odd) and watch the game and resent Italy some more. Current Mood: disappointed
|Saturday, July 1st, 2006|
|Happy 139th Birthday, Canada.
I try to update this thing so that I can look back and be reminded of what I was doing/thinking/reading/going through at a particular time in the past. But, um, that doesn't work out too well when I never actually update. Yeah. So here I go. I shall try harder.
Work is work. I won't get into it, except to say that today was busybusybusy, but not as bad as I expected. I would have preferred to have had Canada Day off so I could actually attend some of the celebrations and whatnot, but what can you do. It was okay. And time and a half sweetened the deal considerably. I wish I made that much every day.
HOWEVER, I did miss the soccer games. Which sucked. But holy France. I AM SO EXCITED. The $15 I spent on a flag for my car didn't go to waste. And I have Wednesday off, so I can watch the semi-final. AND I WILL BE IN MONTREAL FOR IT. Doesn't get much better than that. I'm leaving Tuesday night and staying till Friday afternoon. Hard to believe it's been a year since I was last there...over a year since I graduated. Crazy. Anyway, I'm really looking forward to this trip. Tina and I have jazzfest tickets (I finally
get to go to jazzfest after all these years). I've made plans to see Norah, Lucie and Bindi, once-good friends with whom I have started to lose contact, and hopefully this will allow us to catch up and stop us from drifting apart completely. I don't want that to happen. I really, really don't. I know it's pretty common and sometimes inevitable, but I'm going to fight it. So we shall see. And...soccer on Wednesday. Woot. Allez les Bleus.
Otherwise, I saw An Inconvenient Truth
a couple of weeks ago and was going to write about it, but I don't feel like it anymore. I was all riled up and ready to rant about how selfish and ignorant we are in the West, and about how no one gives a flying fuck about the earth and about the fact that WE ARE DESTROYING IT, and about how there are very simple things we can do to change this but that we are just too lazy and complacent to do them. I should have written about it then, when it was still fresh in mind. But. Man. I have long suspected that this is my calling...that the environment and climate change is issue that I am passionate about, that gets my blood boiling more than any other. And every day I become more and more convinced of it. This
is what I want to do with my life, what I want to work to change. How the hell I'm going to do that is another question altogether. I have, however, gotten involed with this small grassroots group that is planning a series of nationwide protests in September against the government's decision to back down on Kyoto. So...we'll see where that goes. The only problem is that I'm moving to the other side of the country in September, so things will be a little crazy. But...yeah. I'll make it work. Current Mood: excited
|Monday, May 29th, 2006|
|And the summer begins
I'm getting used to being back at the zoo. It's okay. Some days are better than others, but I don't feel like quitting as much as I did a couple of weeks ago. It helps that Cassie had a party over the long weekend, which I think really kick-started the Summer of Zoomo. It was fun and kind of crazy, as are most zoo parties. It involved drinking games, salad bowls being worn as hats, fireworks (what's Victoria Day without fireworks?) and the use of a straightening iron on Mike's hair. Good times.
But hello, it's HOT. Why is it 41 degrees in May? Forty-one. Ummm? I guess it's almost June, but still. Today was torture. I won't even get started on the joys of farmer's tans and bum sweat. Ick.
I'm off Wednesday and Thursday, though, so there's that. And work people are supposed to go out Thursday night, which whould be fun. And Karen is coming to visit this weekend!!! I asked for Sunday and Monday off, so we're going to shop and sightsee and have a grand old time of it. Haven't seen her since New Year's in Winnipeg, so I'm veeeeery excited.
I also found out where I'll be living in Halifax in September, although I don't know anything about my roommates. We shall see.
AND, Montreal is going to happen sometime in the near future. Probably in late June or early July, if I can get a few days off. I am long overdue for a visit. Who would've thought I'd miss it so much?
So good stuff all around (mostly). If I could only control the weather. And the throngs of people who decide to spend a day at the zoo and make life miserable for us. Ohhh well. Current Mood: tired
|Tuesday, May 16th, 2006|
|what a letdown
I'm back. And it kind of sucks.
My trip was amazing. I can't even properly convey how much fun I had. It was wonderful to see everyone after two years, and wonderful to visit so many interesting things/places. Scandinavia blew me away. Maybe I'll post pictures if I feel like it.
Anyway, I was actually ready to come back, in a way. A month is a long time to be sleeping on trains/ferries/people's floors, eating crap and wearing the same three shirts over and over again. It's really nice to sleep in my own bed, have a long bath and eat good and healthy food. Home sweet home and all that.
HOWEVER. I miss Europe. Every time I go I'm reminded of how much I want to live there, of how at home I feel. I just belong there. And it's always so hard to come back. I'm so confused. I should have moved there last September when I decided to defer. And now I have to go to grad school or give up my spot, which means no Europe for me for a least two years. But I'm still not completely convinced that this is the program for me. I JUST DON'T KNOW. France beckons...the tenant in one of my grandfather's apartments in Paris is about to be kicked out, which means discounted digs for me. And I met a boy in France when I was visiting Trisha, and he has since declared his love for me in an email. Long story. And my grandpa's getting old and might not be around in two years. And and and. What to do?
I guess I'll end up going to Halifax and giving the program a shot. I kind of have to. I know I'll regret it if I don't, and my parents will flip. And I've been looking at internship possibilities for next summer, which I have to do anyway as part of the program. I'm thinking the UNESCO library in Paris would be pretty sweet. And my dad knows someone who works at UNESCO, so. I don't know. We shall see.
I suck. I am indecisive and unfocused and generally confused. Argh.
I started work today. Blah. Things are different this year. There are new people and I don't know if I like them. And it rained all day. I'm not so sure I can face another summer there. But I guess I should give myself more time to get used to it. Most of my friends from last year are back, and I'm sure the social events will start up soon enough. And the weather'll get better. And my attitude will improve. Right..? Yessss.
Grey's Anatomy last night. Holy crap. Four months of suspense. I hate when they do that. Current Mood: stomachachy
|Sunday, March 26th, 2006|
|Sundays aren't so bad
It's sooo beautiful out.
Went out to the Green Room last night with Clara, Shevonne, Justin and a crapload of Justin's friends to celebrate his birthday. Fun times, although we didn't end up going anywhere else afterwards, which was the original plan. Drank some really weak sangria, which made me miss Montreal. More. Again. Yeah...who would've though? I MISS IT.
When we left the bar, Clara and I split off from the others to get a cab, and these two Mexican guys latched onto us and tried to get us to go to a party with them. It was really funny. I said we were going home to bed, and they were like "can we come with you?". Then they went on about how it was their last week in the city and they wanted to have a good time. I told them they were barking up the wrong tree and that they should be hanging out outside the Brunnie trying ot pick up all the drunk 19-year-old U of T students. One of the guys kept saying "don't you want to have to have fun?" or something along those lines, and I was like "we're old and tired", which wasn't exactly what I'd meant to say. But I guess it's kind of true. And it made us laugh even harder.
Slept over at Clara's and this morning we had brunch at this very cool place called Aunties and Uncles. So cute. Fifties-style decor, really cozy, good food.
Drove my dad to the airport this afternoon, as he is going to visit my grandpa in Paris.
Now I'm going to eat some dinner, watch Desperate Housewives
, read more of The Year of Magical Thinking
(very good so far) and go to bed early. Sounds like a plan. Current Mood: tired
|Friday, March 17th, 2006|
|A New Leaf
So I guess a real update wouldn't hurt.
Things are very different. Better.
I worked at the bookstore until the end of January, then quit and moved back in with my parents. Not exactly what I'd envisaged for myself when I decided to take the year off, but what can you do. If anything, this year has been a huge learning experience.
So my move coincided with my parents' departure for Arizona, where they stayed for a month. The timing was convenient, actually, since it meant that I was left in peace to arrange my move (I technically had my place downtown until the end of February), unpack, and job-hunt.
Found (and prompty quit) a job at U-Haul. I won't even get into that.
The parents got back in early March and helped me figure out how to structure the next six months of my life. What I've decided is to forget about finding a good, temporary job because it's never going to happen. Instead I'm going to do my travelling in April instead of in May, which will allow me to work at the zoo from early May to late August. At least at the zoo I know what to expect...full hours, decent pay, good people, fun times. I'm actually looking forward to it. I was at my happiest last summer, so going back makes an awful lot of sense.
So there we go. I feel so much better about everything. It's astonishing, really, how much my attitude has changed. Things look very different from this angle. And that's a good thing.
I'm off to Europe from April 9th to May 8th, which I am very excited about. I haven't ironed out all the details yet, but it looks something like three days in Paris visiting my grandfather (who's turning 95...NINETY-FIVE!!!...this year), two days in Rennes at Trisha's, five days in Bremen at Kirsten's (which will include day trips to Hannover and Hamburg), four days at Ruth's in Dortmund (with day trips to Dusseldorf and Cologne), a day/night in Berlin, a few days at Meaghan's in Lund (+ day trips to Malmo and Copenhagen), a day or two in Stockholm before catching the ferry to Helsinki, where I'll spend the rest of my trip at Olli's (+ day trip to Tallinn, which is only an hour and half away). I'm trying to work Oslo into this equation, possibly on the way back to France. We shall see. I've given up on St.Petersburg, as the Russian government makes you jump through hoops to get a visa (not to mention shell out mucho dinero) and it's just not worth it for a two-day trip. Oh well.
I am VERY excited about seeing my Liverpool friends. Kim is going to take the train to Germany from Holland to see me. Not sure if Lisa can make it from Switzerland. But seeing Kim, Ruth, Kirsten and Olli is going to be fantastic. It's been way too long. I'm slightly worried that I'll be tempted to stay in Europe indefinitely. Which I could do, with my French citizenship. But let's not get distracted here. Halifax in September, right? Yes. I confirmed my acceptance and applied for residence, so it looks like I'm finally going to do it. A decisive, determined Julia is a good Julia.
Oh my God. I forgot to say that Deeja had her baby February 1st. I saw Aliyah a few days after she was born and she was adorable. So tiny. She's a month old now and I must see her soon, as she has surely grown a lot. I still can't believe that my best and oldest friend has a baby. I mean, I can remember us at 12 years old reading Tiger Beat and giggling over Jonathan Taylor Thomas. Jeezus. Current Mood: optimistic
|Wednesday, February 22nd, 2006|
We LOST!!! At our own game. Holy craaaaap. I think the country is in mourning. Current Mood: devastated
|Monday, January 23rd, 2006|
They've predicted a Conservative minority government.
Goddamn, people are fucking STUPID.
I can't watch this. I'm going to bed. Current Mood: furious